Jeff: “I was just thinking today about how I could never let anyone else have you. Like I can’t imagine anyone else holding you and caring about you. Infact it even makes me mad to think they have before me”

I love him and I love that he could never imagine me with someone else, :)

That couldn’t have turned out any worse. Thankful for Jeff just holding me while I cried I am truly blessed to have him and his support always!

So emotionally drained.

Hurting from the inside out.

I hate all of this. I can’t take it. I’m gonna burst.  

I just don’t even know how to feel better at this point.

I just am hurt, and now im scared too.

The next 20 hours are gonna be panic.

My heart hurts.

Between the awkward and ignoringness at home, and then being afraid for them taking him back im spent. Too much at once.

Hopefully seeing my wonderful boy will subside my brain for a little bit.

:/

I’m starting to think about writing a book about the abuse I went through in my last relationship. I don’t want to relive that time and I know I’m in a much better place and that I am with someone who truly loves me. But that time was a learning and growing experience and something many can’t understand or comprehend why I stayed in something so bad so long. What If I could put that in words for others who are going through it and feel stuck like I did, what it what I wrote could save one person from that, just one. Also how much that would remind of gods grace in my life. Hmm maybe I’ll start maybe.

I caught a wiff of a smell today in class that put me back right into a moment I have tried to push out and forget for awhile now.

But there I was right back in that room, right back with that person.

Instantly the strongest emotions struck me, anger, sadness, irony, anguish, that feeling of wanting it to be okay, but most of all a feeling of sickness like none other.

And tears crept to my eyes, then I remembered, I have overcame.

The abuse I experienced for that year in a half hit me all in that moment of that wiff that smelled of that room, just like that room. I never wanted to feel those feelings again. I can’t describe the pain I had gone through, and for the most part no one will ever get the whole story, I cant relive it, and most of it I have brushed under the rug and hidden even from myself.

God pulled me from that, how thankful I am for that, and how lucky I am to have overcame and to be stronger now and to be with someone who cares about me and who would never abuse me in that way. Truly Grace from God has been bestowed upon me.

i love school.

i love school.

i love school.

i love school.

i love school.

               Did I convince anyone?